Joy as our birthright (in theory vs. practice)
In somatic work, we often talk about joy as our birthright (so on point for Leo season), but what people often don’t realize is that many of us struggle to fully access our joy. Leo, as an archetype, encourages us to take up space, shine our light and express ourselves—but what if we don’t have the capacity to hold these felt states in our bodies? This sounds nice in theory, but in practice, it can feel really f*cking scary.
People are often surprised when they learn that “positive” felt experiences (like joy, contentment, excitement) can be just as threatening to a stressed nervous system as “negative” emotion states. And this is for a number of reasons that I want to share here. But before I get into that, know that we can also unlearn patterns, and just because you might feel like you’re “more serious” now, doesn’t mean this is you always, as a person. Play, gratitude & joy are also some of the remedies to tension, but in small doses (read to the end for suggestions on reclaiming your joy).
Why it can be hard to access (& share) our joy
One reason we can struggle to access joy is because we often feel we need permission, or like we need to earn our joy. Many of us were taught to finish our work before we can play, and these messages die hard. We feel a certain amount of guilt for prioritizing pleasure (this is one of the costs of capitalism), and struggle to fully enjoy time away once we have it, because we’re still thinking over the to-do lists and things we haven’t gotten done yet (spoiler alert: there will always be more things to do). And because we are often forcing ourselves through, pushing ourselves past our limits continuously, we have to learn to numb out some of that experience.
As a culture, we’ve become largely disembodied, taught to override our internal cues and live in our heads most of the time. We are also desensitized from all of the information coming at us 24/7. So no wonder our systems are trying to tune out some of that noise out. Because we’re so overworked and overstimulated, many of us turn to ways we can escape our felt experiences (i.e. substance use, doom scrolling, shopping etc). But the thing is, if you’re not online, you can’t recharge. Meaning: if you’re not actually present in the moment, you can’t take in the goodness of it. You can do all the “fun” things in the world, but it doesn’t mean you’re resourcing yourself. Because we can’t selectively turn down which feelings we have access to, if we try to push down the discomfort, we are also pushing down our access to pleasure. In this sense, our capacity for staying present with the hard, is a direct reflection of how much access to joy we have.
And when do we start numbing out? Because it’s from that point that we also stopped experiencing the full range of our felt experience. Which means playing, having fun, and really letting your hair down can start to become unfamiliar. And to our nervous system, the unknown or unfamiliar = threatening. It can feel uncomfortable (and even scary) to let go and enjoy ourselves when we aren’t used to it.
Furthermore, when we’re scared, go through something difficult, or are forcing ourselves to push through, there’s a sense of clenching, right? There’s contraction in the system, and a certain defensiveness; gearing up for the next thing that may demand our attention or require a survival response. To relax enough in order to play, to dance, to truly feel pleasure… we have to be willing to let that guard down a bit, to let go of control.
The final barrier to accessing our joy (that I’ll address today) is that marginalized or oppressed groups of people (including women), are generally taught to keep quiet and not take up too much space, so as not to draw any unnecessary attention to themselves. So even if we can access the internal feelings, to be witnessed, to be seen in our pleasure as women, to be seen in our light… that poses another potential threat.
The scrutiny that the female body is under is intense. As a matter of survival, we have learned not to be too demonstrative, too loud, too “much,” because it might get eye rolls from other women, or unwanted attention from creepy men. We are often blamed for eliciting advances by taking up space, being visible and proud of our bodies. We are readily objectified by men and slut shamed by other women. Socialized to be modest, not proud. To stay small, to shrink. This is the patriarchal culture that we are products of, and could honestly be another post on its own. But that doesn’t mean we can’t learn another way…
How to reclaim our joy
If any of this is resonating for you, I hope you feel validated that it’s not always as simple as “shining your light.” That there are often very good reasons that your system has kept you small. But of course, this is a surviving state, not a thriving one. And you can get to the latter, but with baby steps. One of the most important tenants of somatic work is that we do not bite off more than we can chew; that we gradually expand our capacity for what’s unfamiliar.
So, where to begin? If joy is hard for you to access right now, I would start with gratitude. Gratitude brings us into our heart space, and into the same pathway physiologically as happiness. Practice genuinely feeling what you’re grateful for, allowing that feeling to fill up in your chest, breathing it in (not just writing down a 5 item list and calling it good). To actually expand your bandwidth for pleasure, you need to feel that in digestible bits. Think of this as trying on clothes, in particular how it feels in your body. You’re trying on a different mood state, and intentionally notice what this touches within you.
Also notice the times that you DO feel playful or lighter now. What are the conditions? Who are you with? What time of day is it? What factors contributed to you feeling comfortable enough to be a little silly? This information can be helpful to take note of and keep in mind for later, if you’re hoping to be able to access this felt state more often in the future.
Also on par for Leo, think back to when you were a kid, or didn’t have the same inhibitions you do now. Can you remember what you enjoyed doing? What lit you up? What got you excited? Can you recreate small doses of that now? Bring some of those pieces forward? It could be something as simple as coloring or climbing a tree. Regardless, try your best to approach this through a lens of curiosity. The goal is not to take it all so seriously after all, right?
Finally, working with a somatic coach, that can help you to build your capacity to feel sensation & emotion, as well as regulate your nervous system, might be needed. This is a huge part of the support I provide to women in my coaching offerings, so that they can reclaim all parts of themselves, access their pleasure, and shift from simply managing to thriving. We CAN unlearn the conditioning we’ve received and get back to joy as our birthright. And we don’t have to do it alone.
